This month I am featuring a classic: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. The concept of love languages is an ingenious one and many of you may already be familiar with the five love languages Chapman popularized: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
If your love language is words of affirmation, it means that you feel loved when you receive compliments, encouragement, recognition, and statements of love and adoration.
Having a love language of quality time means that you really appreciate when your partner gives you his or her full attention and that you enjoy participating in special activities together.
If receiving gifts is your love language, it means that you feel best loved when you partner has been thinking of you when you are not around and brings you tokens that represent this affection. This does not always mean expensive items.
Having acts of service as a primary love language means that you feel best loved when your partner spends time doing things to make your life easier and help you out.
Physical touch goes beyond sex and means that physical affection such as hugs, massage, and snuggling make you feel loved and secure.
Chapman’s idea behind the love language framework is that we all enjoy receiving love in a preferred language or two. If our partner does not speak our language well or frequently, we might not feel the love they are trying to give us.
While I do not think that understanding love languages is the only skill you need to repair a damaged relationship, I do find it to be a useful metaphor. Being curious about the ways that you and your partner give and receive love can be quite helpful.
One of my favorite things to highlight about love languages is that we often give love in the language that we would like to receive love as an example of the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If we understand this, we are better able to see the ways our partner is trying to show us love that we may have previously overlooked.
For example, if your love language is words of affirmation and your partner’s is service, not only can your partner learn to write you love letters, but you can learn to appreciate times when he or she tidies the closet or paints the mailbox as a sign of love for you.
If you’ve never read The 5 Love Languages, I highly recommend it as an easy tool for better understanding others. Chapman has come up with a number of spinoffs such as learning how to use the love language concept to better understand your children and those you are dating. It is a quick read and easily available at libraries in digital and audio versions.
If you haven’t read the book before, you’re probably getting curious about your own love languages. You can take the free quiz by clicking here!