This month, most of us with kids at home are spending significantly more time together due to social distancing which can be both a blessing and a curse. To help keep your sanity, this month I am recommending ScreamFree Parenting: How to Raise Amazing Adults by Learning to Pause More and React Less by Hal Runkel.
But first, a word about recommending parenting books. Almost all parenting books teach good principles. Some are better written than others, some have more practical application than others, and some are research-based, while others are more intuitive or anecdotal. Most parenting books have some value, but almost all also have things that I disagree with to some extent. I have yet to read a parenting book that totally aligns with my values and has all the solutions for my family, and I doubt that you’ve found one that solves all of your problems either.
If you read parenting books to find the one secret tactic that will change your life, you’re going to be disappointed. But if you read them to refresh your mind of solid parenting principles and you pick up a few nuggets along the way based on hearing similar information presented in a new light, then they can be quite valuable.
I like Hal Runkel because he is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and is an expert on relationship dynamics. One of the basic premises of the book is that parents are not responsible for their children and their behavior, but they are responsible to their children for their own behavior and choices.
When parents are behavior-outcome oriented and focus primarily on compliance, defiance is enraging and it can be easy to get pulled into a power struggle. However, if you focus on your own ability to keep your cool, it is easier to enforce and stick to natural consequences that work and avoid heated arguments with your kids.
With chapter titles like “If You’re Not Under Control, Then You Cannot Be in Charge” and “Parents Set the Table by Setting the Tone”, Runkel emphasizes the point that a primary task of parenting it to teach children how to manage and control their outbursts and emotions by modeling how to do so. Runkel has a lot of insight into how family interactions can become trapped in a negative cycle and he explains how to get out of it in a straightforward way.
No parenting books have all of the answers, including this one. However, if you feel like your little darlings just don’t listen and you’re tired of feeling like you can’t stop yelling at your kids, you may find some value in reading ScreamFree Parenting.
