This month I am featuring Esther Perel’s newer book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, which was published in 2017. She is best known for her earlier work, Mating in Captivity, which I will probably feature at some other date. Perel is a leading couples therapist with innovative thinking and if this was a podcast recommendation blog, I would be recommending her Audible podcast called Where Should We Begin? Bonus: if you listen to an audiobook or her podcast you get to listen to her delightful accent.
Esther Perel is an expert on relationships and sexuality. In The State of Affairs, she challenges readers to look beyond surface assumptions about why affairs happen and dig deeper into their meaning. She writes with a balance and poise that at once treats the betrayal trauma gently and kindly, while also challenging the partners to grow from the experience.
The reader need not have experienced infidelity personally to benefit from reading, though I would certainly recommend it if that is the case. This is not a self-help book or a guidebook on how to heal, but rather an investigation of the experience of infidelity and a presentation of her ideas based on her clinical experience of working with hundreds of couples over the last ten years.
Perel treats the subject of infidelity as a window into the soul and one can gain much insight into the human psyche by reading her ideas. When it comes to entertainment value, the dramatic experiences presented in the case studies are to me even more compelling than what you might hope to discover on your favorite TV show because they are real. She is a New York Times bestseller for a reason and I found it hard to put down the book.
Through her clinical work, Perel offers the framework that when infidelity occurs, your marriage as you know it is over. However, the situation presents the opportunity to create a newer, stronger marriage with the same person. In addition to providing insight into why infidelity happens, Perel offers convincing hope that growth, change, healing, and love are possible again after an affair.
Regardless of your personal state of affairs, I would recommend this book to almost anyone as an engaging read and a deep look into an aspect of human behavior that is incredibly common, rarely discussed, and often misunderstood.