And now for something completely different…this post has several firsts that I am excited to share with you:
- I’m reviewing a brand-new free e-book. Who doesn’t love something free and hot off the press?
- This is the first post to include an interview with the author. Cool, right?
- My review of the book is published at the front of the book, which makes me semi/not really/but a little bit famous.
- This book is about sex. Let’s be honest, who doesn’t like to read about that?
Disclosure: I am not being compensated in any way for my blog post here or my review published in the book. I chose to leave positive reviews in both instances because I believe the book will be helpful to many.
This book is called And It Was Very Good by Earthly Parents (pen name, obviously). I chose this book because it is the first of its kind that I have found to be geared specifically to a conservative Latter-day Saint audience while being detailed enough to actually be useful. This is my review that is published in the book:
“And It Was Very Good provides practical information about sex for married heterosexual couples in a safe and tasteful framework that many Latter-day Saints will appreciate and find non-threatening. If you would like to know more about sexuality but would prefer to avoid internet searches and pornographic material, this book is for you.”
-Kelly Furr, MS, LAMFT
The book is written for a Mormon audience, but sex is sex, so it would be useful for anyone. Just be aware that there is a lot of gospel framing and LDS doctrine throughout. Things I think you might want to know before reading:
- There are no photographs or illustrations. There are a handful of graphics that I would not consider to be offensive or explicit material.
- The book does contain detailed written content about sex so know your intended audience. Not appropriate for children. However, sexually active adults should certainly have access to this information.
- There is not currently a place where you can privately download the book for free on your own, but anyone can email the author (or me) for a copy. I feel that this may hinder some people from reaching out for the book out of embarrassment, however you can buy a physical copy of the book from Amazon or Barnes & Noble if privacy/embarrassment is a big concern. Take comfort in the fact that someone writing a book about sex (the author) or publicly reviewing a book about sex (me) is not going to think funny thoughts about you for knowing that you want to read/think about it too!
Without further ado, here is my conversation with the author:
KF: What motivated you to write this book?
EP: My wife and I have seven children. One thing that I felt helped our marriage work sexually was that I had read sex manuals before marriage. In fact, my parents had a couple of sex manuals at the top shelf of the bookshelf, and I was curious enough to read these books before puberty. The books helped me to be unsurprised by puberty. I also found at BYU when dorm-mates suggested that oral sex was forbidden, I immediately knew that this would condemn some wives to marriages without orgasm. That seemed wrong to me. The book knowledge I had built as youth and teen that helped me to know when something was nonsense. In my own marriage, I found my book knowledge served me well. That made me want my own children to have the advantages I had from reading. However, I couldn’t find a book that I thought gave both gospel framing and enough detail to be of use. I wanted the “America’s Test Kitchen” version of “Sex for Latter-day Saints.” It didn’t exist. I could find detailed sex manuals with what I believed to be inappropriate materials. I could find gospel framing but a lack of specificity.
So I decided to write a short pamphlet for my kids. I wrote one sentence, and then I chickened out for ten years.
Last summer, I saw the Mr. Rogers documentary. (It’s fantastic.) In a home movie, Mr. Rogers talked about how some musical key transitions are harder than others. He saw his role as being one to help children through difficult transitions. This struck me. I left the film so inspired to help. Immediately the thought came to my mind that I knew a transition that was difficult: The transition from sexual repression to sexual expression. I felt what I believe to be the Spirit telling me that I should write up what I had learned and that it would not just be for my children but for others. I should “Be the Light” and not wait for others to do what I could. So I started doing the research to build a sound doctrinal basis for and to get my facts straight. Then I started writing.
KF: What is your target audience for the book?
EP: (1) My YSA kids.
(2) My teenagers
(3) Engaged couples
(4) Parents and grandparents who don’t know what to say or tell their engaged couples
(5) Newlyweds
(6) I got a note from a sister in Tahiti who said they get no sex ed that relates the gospel to sexuality and very little sex ed overall. It’s not a target audience I had planned for may be where the need may actually be greatest: Members of the church in countries where a free sex manual gives a lot more than some tips and gospel framing.
KF: How and why did you survey LDS couples for the book?
EP: I had read Jennifer Finlayson-Fife’s dissertation on sexuality among married Latter-day Saint women. I thought getting some additional perspective outside my own experience would be helpful. I made a survey and posted it on what is now called the Eternal Marriage Bed Facebook group. What I read boiled down to what I called “Temple Marriage, Honeymoon in Hell.” Finlayson-Fife had identified common desire/arousal issues that she linked credibly to our culture, which may lead some women to deny their sexuality and identify virginity with self-worth. In turn this led, according to Finlayson-Fife, difficulties in integrating sexuality for women in the church. From my survey, the personal honeymoon accounts of the members who responded sounded less like joy and more like trauma. The commonly reported experience was a lack of knowledge about how to preparing the bride’s body for intercourse, which led to pain and tears. The stories were so compelling I put out a second survey to capture more of the general sexual experience of Latter-day Saints to get the beautiful parts not just the bad ones. These stories spoke to me to illustrate where we tend to end up without knowledge and where may end with knowledge. The stories help make the book real.
KF: How did you come up with your family’s “Sexual Articles of Faith”?
EP: I set up in chapter one a letter to my children. I felt as though I should lay out my assumptions about sexuality. As I wrote, I felt impressed to expand and formalize these assumptions after really thinking them through. What did I REALLY think about sexuality in marriage? What is allowed? What is forbidden? How do I think God thinks about these things? I struggled with these because it seemed important to get these right. This is the part of the book I prayed over the most. Some specific words I put in as a response to what I felt to be the Spirit. I am just a father not a prophet. I have no authority to speak for God or the church outside my family. So I called these “Our Family’s Sexual Articles of Faith.” I invite my children to think about these and accept or reject them, ideally with prayer.
KF: What resources did you use to gather accurate information?
EP: I relied mostly on well-respected, evidence-based books as good secondary sources of basic sex ed and on podcasts such as Mormon Sex Info (Natasha Helfer Parker) and Ask the Mormon Sex Therapist (Jennifer Finlayson-Fife) for more insight into sexuality and Latter-day Saint couples. I’m trained in biology and work actively in healthcare. I leaned heavily on that to find relevant scientific articles.
KF: What has the feedback about your book been so far?
EP: Initially, the feedback was HELPFUL. Natasha Helfer Parker and Romel Mackelprang in particular gave detailed, chapter-by-chapter, page-by-page feedback that improved the book immensely. A book review from By Common Consent highlighted the need to change the cover from my 1980s graphic-design sensibilities (do check out the current cover, which has an incredible piece of commissioned artwork from the Latter-day Saint artist Dana Mario Wood). Finally, a few negative pieces of feedback helped me to remove a section that was off-putting without a lot of benefit.
Since publication, the feedback has been PHENOMENAL. The most common response is “this is so needed.” I’ve had positive feedback from grandparents, newlyweds, bishops, stake presidencies, those who train the church marriage class, licensed sex therapists, licensed marriage and family therapists, and church members from Africa, Europe, South America, North America, Australia, and the South Pacific. The book has been reviewed by the Salt Lake Tribune and Times and Seasons. LDS Daily published an excerpt from the book that generated hundreds of book requests a day. I give an electronic copy of the book away for free to anyone who requests one from earthlyparents@gmail.com.
KF: What would you like potential readers to know about your book before they begin reading it or before recommending it to a friend?
EP: We are counseled to teach about sexuality “reverently but frankly and without embarrassment.” I took that counsel to heart. The book is FRANK. It’s not just the basics. The book is a sex manual that is very much “how to.” Not everyone is comfortable receiving that. If you plan on recommending the book to someone, I’d definitely read it first. What I tell parents who plan on sharing the book with their kids is this. Tell your kids what you think I got right and what I got wrong. Open up the conversation. I don’t have any right to insight beyond my family. I may have gotten things right for my family but wrong for yours. I tried my best, but it’s such a tricky subject that it’s more likely than not that I got something wrong.
KF: How can people get a copy of your book?
EP: If you want a free PDF of the book, email me at earthlyparents@gmail.com. Hard copies available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble (also Kindle and Nook)
https://www.amazon.com/Was-Very-Good-Latter-day-Lovemaking/dp/1723742848/
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1130474432?ean=9781987034929
KF: What did you learn in writing that surprised you the most?
EP: About half of women with spinal cord injuries can experience orgasm. One way this happens is that the vagus nerve, which travels down the neck outside the spinal cord, reaches to the cervix and can allow deep vaginal stimulation to trigger orgasm. Isn’t that interesting?
KF: What are the most important learnings from the book that a newlywed couple should know?
EP: If you don’t have the time to read the book, these are the most important tips and tricks to making sex pleasurable for a woman (where there is the most to learn for the typical Latter-day Saint couple):
- A non-orgasmic sexual experience can be pleasurable.
- Sex should NEVER be painful. If it’s painful, stop.
- Orgasm is a learned experience for a woman. Experiencing orgasm might not “come naturally” but need some coaxing and practice. That’s OK!
- Women typically need 20 minutes of non-genital stimulation followed by 20 minutes of continuous genital stimulation to experience orgasm.
- Use lube.
KF: Why don’t you put your name on the book? Doesn’t that give the message that sex is taboo?
EP: My wife (who edited the book) asked that I use a pseudonym. It’s just too exposing for her to think her friends at church would read the book and then have TMI about our own sex life. I’m honoring her wishes.